Reality TV

I’m not sure what it is about watching ‘real people’ do unreal things; like be locked in a house and vote each other out one by one, or be stuck on an island and survive on animals and bugs and shit, or release a sex tape with a C-list celebrity and 3 years later get a camera crew to follow them and their family around, or share your boyfriend with 24 other ladies and watch him date them and break up with you guys one by one… but I LOVE it! These are things no one does in their real life, so the whole “reality” concept is lost on me there. But it doesn’t really matter because I’m pretty much counting the days on my calendar until I am old enough to actually be considered for The Bachelor. Aren’t we all? Screw match.com and failing privately on your computer home alone… I’d rather do it on TV in front of my friends and family and millions of other people. And drink lots of champagne in the process.

You know what a REAL reality TV show would be?

- A group of hidden cameras/camera men around a 7/11 that is conveniently located in a suburban neighborhood near a high school, and we watch all of the rich white kids shoplift, fight, smoke, and sell drugs. It would be called “Wasted Lives.”

- We strap a go-pro to a working police dog and view crimes/chases/tracking from their point of view. It would be called “COPS: doggy style”

- A blogger turns on their webcam 24/7 and we watch what really goes on when somebody works from home/Starbucks/some other trendy coffee place. This one would be called “Hipsters at Home”

Just some thoughts… BRAVO, TLC, E! – feel free to contact me about any of these. I am open to suggestions/praise/admiration/compliments.

Top 10 over-recited movie lines

 1. “She doesn’t even go here!” – Mean girls

2. “YOU SOUND LIKE YOU’RE FROM LONDON!” – Forgetting Sarah Marshall

3. “Totes magotes” –  I Love You Man

4.  “It’s the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer!” – Step Brothers

5. “I’m ready to Paaaaaartyyyyyy” – Bridesmaids

6. “You motorboating son of a bitch”

7. ” Big Gulp huh?… Well, see you later!”

8. “There’s always money in the banana stand.” – Arrested Development

9. “Uhm, did we just become best friends?!” – Step Brothers

10. “Don’t act like you’re not impressed.” -Anchorman

What are your favorites? Did we miss any? Let us know!

- @eablaze

Classic Brother…

My older brother is probably one of the funniest people I know – when he isn’t trying to be. Here are just some examples off the top of my head as to why:

1) Backstory: A good family friend got drafted to the NHL and I am informing my brother.

Me: “Drew did you hear? Sam got drafted!”

Drew: “Oh wow, that sucks. I didn’t know we were still doing that.”

Me: “… to the NHL Drew, to the NHL.”

2) My brother is probably one of the safest drivers I know, far more than myself. However he somehow manages to incur tickets for things I’ve never heard anyone else getting a ticket for: following too closely on the highway (he was 8 feet back), dangerous lane change (changing lanes shortly before a red light), and driving too fast on a bridge while it’s raining (he was going the speed limit exactly). On top of all this he also has 2 speeding tickets (for going 75 in a 65 – I got pulled over for going 85 in a 65 and didn’t get a ticket) and 3 for talking on his cell phone while driving (I don’t drive without talking on my cell phone and have never gotten one). Some people just have all the luck

3) Last week I got a phone call from my brother telling me he is going on a date with a girl he met at work, he seems very excited. Couple hours later I recieve this text:

“She was 18. Sushi was $70, and I got a parking ticket for $66. I need a drink”

4) A couple years ago my family was out to dinner somewhere in my hometown and Drew orders a burger. Like clockwork the waitress responds “How would you like that cooked?” My brother pauses and goes “Uhm, yes!” Silence. She looks him up and down and again asks “But uhm, how would you like that cooked??” It clicks and he finally goes “Oh, medium well, thanks.” I later asked him what he was thinking and he goes “I thought she asked if I wanted it cooked.” Seriously??

5) While on vacation in Cabo, Mexico my family went on a booze cruise; open bar, snorkeling, the works. I get a tropical, colorful drink and my brother gets a beer. We are sailing across the water as the woman next to us politely asks “Oooohh what did you get?!” Before I can answer my brother casually responds “Oh I just got a beer.” The woman, her friend and I all crack up and she nicely corrects him that she meant my drink; the colorful, fun, fruity one. Not his very normal beer in a clear cup.

I’m sure there will be more “classic brother” quotes to come. These are my favorite though, for now.

- @eablaze

Dealbreakers

Here’s a little list we threw together of things that instantly make us want to “S” that “D”– Shut that Down.

Dealbreakers:

Not knowing what you’re doing with your life/no ambition. I understand it’s hard to decide what you’re majoring in/want to do with your degree, but having no plan is unattractive. Get it figured out.

If you don’t think I’m funny. Yeah right, like someone isn’t going to think I’m funny. If I can’t make you laugh, you’re probably somewhere on the autistic scale, you should get it checked out.

Weight limit. It’s unattractive not to care about your body/health. Let’s just say I’m not a chubby chaser.

Judgmental about past. If your first question for me on our first date is “What’s your Number?” I’ll assume you’re referring to my phone number, which I would hope you already had.

Bi-sexual/have experimented. Being bi-sexual is something they invented in the 90′s to sell hair products. Stop kidding yourself, only girls are allowed to experiment in college. Call me when you come out, we can go shopping.

Lastly, if I find you attractive enough, any of these can be overlooked.

- @eablaze

Online Dating

Okay so in all seriousness I will admit : I have totally (and still pseudo am) considered signing up for Match.com or one of those other online dating sites. Here’s the pathetic part; I’m 21 and barely out of college. (Barely because I fake graduated – as in I walked at graduation  but still have summer classes). So here’s the real pickle: Should I or Shouldn’t I?

Here are some PROS on my “I should” list:

1) Free dinners. Need I say more? What other opportunity will I have a salad and glass of water…FOR FREE.

2) It will be easy for me to have a lot in common with you when I know exactly what you like, and can cater my profile to match perfectly.

3) It’s a relief to realize there are decent, attractive men out there who are looking for serious relationships. (Sad? Pathetic? True.)

Here are some CONS on my “I shouldn’t “ list:

1) Semi-embarrassing if someone you know stumbles upon your profile. Example: my divorced parents.

2) As a precaution, I’d have to write my will before my date–just in case I’m raped or killed.

3) If I DO meet someone and we have a relationship, I would have to come up with a more acceptable way that we met. (Not a problem to me since I lie all the time anyways.)

Basically those lists didn’t help and I will probably contemplate this decision for the next 8-10 years or so, until it’s really my only choice. Dammit. I really hope I am not the only 21 year old woman who considers this on a daily basis…

She’s fat…

Today while watching an episode of RHOOC (Real Housewives of the OC) there was a big blowout over a guy calling one of the ladies fat.  Suddenly, the housewives transformed from insensitive bitches to activists for Dove’s “Love Your Body” campaign. The coversation was something along the lines of “HOW could a man disrespect a woman by calling her fat? WHAT kind of man has the right to make negative comments on a woman’s figure?!”

Am I the only one who senses hypocrisy? Maybe I’m  the only woman on Earth to have ever commented on the muffin top sitting in front of me in class, or to notice the hefty girl going back for her third “Gotta Have it” at Coldstone, but  let’s be real, I’m not. I couldn’t stop laughing at all of this. As if these housewives don’t spend hours discussing Nicole Richie’s post baby weight gain, whoever made this rule that men can’t judge women? Why do you think I go to the gym 7 times a week and lie about “having a summer cold so I can’t make it to the beach” when I really just ate a whole pizza and look like I’m pregnant with it? Obviously guys are judging us, and we all want their approval!

I understand “Oh but guys are supposed to be gentlemen and adore women” and “women have different hormones and hips to give birth, its harder to stay in shape.” Yeah believe me, I GET THAT. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t attempt to do something about it! I’m not advocating eating disorders or extreme diets, but the best way to avoid being judged in a negative light is to do something about it. IS it fair for us to expect men to pretend to admire our cottage cheese-like thighs and bellies that resembles a gelatin dessert. Please. Judge away! It’s just more motivation for me to keep going to the gym.

Ash Wednesday

Thankfully Twitter has alerted me that it is Ash Wednesday. Personally I’m not religious, I’m agnostic  - I don’t really care either way if there is or is not a god. However, I do care about making an ass out of myself when it comes to religious holidays that I am apparently not aware of.

For three consecutive years now I have made an ass of myself on Ash Wednesday. Maybe it’s because my high school was not affiliated with any religion so no one did this ash-on-the-forehead thing. Or maybe I have just become more judgmental of other people and therefore have been noticing it more. Either way I am caught off guard every year. I usually end up approaching a person with a smudge on their face and saying in a nice, quite tone “Excuse me, you um, have something on your face… (licks finger) here let me get that for you…” (rubs ash off forehead). This would be a nice gesture any other day of the year, I think, but the days I’ve done this (yes, this incident happened twice) happened to be Ash Wednesday and I have come across as a complete asshole. Dammit.

Last year I thought I would remember as this had happened twice already… nope. At least I didn’t full on approach someone again though, well I couldn’t, or else I probably would have. Last year I was at the gym and I was in front of the mirror lifting weights (if you could call it that… 5 pounders… oh yeah) and there was a girl in my vicinity also facing the mirror. I could clearly see she had a smudge on her face and I figured it was from one of the machines or something. Oddly enough though she was looking at herself in the mirror and wasn’t rubbing it off. So I kept making eye contact with her in the mirror and pointing to my forehead. She didn’t seem to be understanding. Maybe she was foreign? Or blind? But we were making eye contact, she could definitely see me and the smudge. So I rubbed my own forehead with a towel and then gestured for her to do the same in the mirror. She promptly dropped her weights and left. I figured she was going to the bathroom to put some more elbow grease into cleaning her forehead. Then I walked outside an hour later and saw some poster on the sidewalk about a church down the street offering a special service because it’s Ash Wednesday. Woops. 0 for 3.

So thank you Twitter for letting me know early in my day that it is Ash Wednesday. I hopefully will be able to finally get through this day without be a complete ass.

- @eablaze

Social Networks

I love social networks. I can’t imagine a world without Facebook or Twitter nor do I want to. It’s a socially acceptable outlet to stalk and creep to your hearts content and I’m perfectly fine with it. What I’m not fine with is every last detail of everyones life. I don’t want to see pictures of your hand that you just smashed into a door, I don’t want to be tagged in some bullshit chain status, and I certainly don’t want to read depressing lyrics that “sum up your life perfectly

Here is my list of the top 5 things my friends online do that drive me absolutely crazy.

1) The Mirror Pic

What kind of world do we live in where taking a picture of you in a bathroom mirror with the backdrop of your toilet is considered sexy? Does no one who wants to be in an actual photo with you, so you’ve resorted to the fucking mirror? Often, these people are actually semi-attractive, but they are also the ones with a  constant need for approval. If you don’t like the picture, they’ll most likely be drowning themself in the bath tub featured in the mirror pic they’ve just posted.

2) The Pregnancy Update

I’m just gonna say it – no one wants to know exactly how many weeks you are pregnant with the child that you debated aborting for the first trimester. Sure, I’m happy that getting pregnant has “made you such a better person” and “realize all the mistakes you were making in your life” but getting pregnant and deciding to keep it doesn’t mean you are automatically a better person. #ProChoice just saying.

3) Twitter Conversations >3 Tweets

Twitter is our favorite social media network that caps the amount you can put in one tweet at 140 characters. The simplicity of the tweet makes it a great place to put out random blurbs/thoughts and of course connect with your friends and favorite celebrities. Again, twitter is about keeping it simple. There’s a reason people are transitioning from Facebook to Twitter, and I don’t want anything closely resembling a wall-to-wall polluting my timeline. If you are having a conversation with someone,  move to a more appropriate form of communication (texting is still a thing) unless you want your 50+ followers to lurk your entire conversation. Most of us aren’t creeps and will likely just stop following you, a beautiful option we have. If you want to continue to increase the number of followers you have, tweet accordingly.

4) The Porn-Bots on Twitter

I love new followers. But I cannot stand that half of them are porn sites or spam that have absolutely nothing to do with me. The excitement that comes with finding out I have a new follower is completely destroyed when I visit their page only to learn they have 2 followers and their about me reads “RIDEMEHARD”. Unfortunately a good amount of my followers are these stupid things. This is an awful form of spam that needs to be eliminated from twitter ASAP.

 

5) Couples

Are you guys in love? Did you have THE most amazing evening together? Can you not wait to see each other tomorrow?!… Then text or call each other about it. I get it, I’ve been in a relationship and realize it’s nice to get a little wall post here and there. But seriously. Everyone knows you’re together, you’re in a relationship on Facebook. It’s just another form of PDA that is too much. Not to mention when you break up we are put through the pain of reading sappy-lyrical status updates, or comments that you’re “barely hanging on…” Spare us the drama.

I love to fly

I love to fly. I always have. Currently I go to school in Boston but am from California and therefore I travel back and forth often. Very often. These 6 hour flights get a little boring after one trip so I often try to find ways to entertain myself. The other weekend I was flying home and there was a little boy and his mother sitting next to me. We were still on the runway and this kid was driving me up the freaking wall. I know it’s a little rash but all I wanted to do was throw his bratty ass into the overhead compartment and have a nice peaceful flight. I think his mom would have helped.

As we started to get some speed and get ready for take off I saw this kid get very excited, as if he hadn’t been crying and calling his mom a bitch for not giving him his nintendo DS for the last 20 minutes. He loudly began counting down from 10; ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! And just as he said “Blast off!” I clenched my armrests, shook my body and shot the kid a look of sheer terror, topping off this award winning performance with a winded gasp, as if Ray Lewis had just laid me out. The boy reciprocated my panic because, let’s face it, if anybody had seen my priceless “face of fear,” they too would have pissed their pants within seconds.

For the rest of the flight if he ever got too loud or too annoying, or I got too bored, I would look over and repeat this embarrassing display. This shut him up for a good hour. So worth it. Unfortunately, without him distracting me, I was forced to turn to SkyMall and ended up buying my German shepherd that Scooby-Doo autographed USB dog collar that he always wanted. Should be here in 6 weeks.

We exchanged glances one last time at baggage claim, and I almost felt bad, until his mom intervened and gave me the dirty look I had earlier given him. Some people just don’t get my humor. Bitch.

- @eablaze

Valentine’s Day

It’s that time of year again, for multiple status updates, mobile uploads of roses, and high expectations. It seems like every year girls send mixed messages about what they really want out of this holiday. If they’re taken, they’re happy. They’re ecstatic about the gifts they receive and want everyone else to share their joy, or at least “like” their latest picture upload of their bouquet of roses. But, if they’re single, they look at the holiday in disgust, more than likely referring to it as “Single Awareness day” (which is currently trending on twitter – case in point) and laughing at the girls who get excited about their gifts. Let’s be real: Everyone wants to be wanted, and everyone wants a Valentine. Everyone wants a surprise or a gift from someone special (no MOM, not you) and we just use lies and chocolate to make ourselves feel better.

Regardless of whether you’re single or taken, here are some things you should avoid doing in order to prevent ruining Valentine’s day for yourself and everyone around you:

If You’re Taken:

1) It’s always a sweet idea to get your boyfriend a card, especially if you plan on writing a cute message or an inside joke in it you know he’ll love. But let’s not get too creative. From personal experience I can tell you, writing “you WILL be mine” or “If I can’t have you NO ONE can,”  in blood may seem romantic and thoughtful, however it WILL NOT get you a date.

2) Framed pictures are always another great option to get your guy. Framed pictures of you and him that is. This is not the time to experiment with that new face morphing website you found and create a future family picture. Save that for an anniversary gift.

3) Ladies, although Valentine’s day is typically associated with cliched proposals, this is not the day to set one up for yourself. It is NOT a good idea no matter what you read, to buy yourself a ring shaped box and surprise yourself with a proposal, unbeknownst to your guy . The only next level this will take your relationship to is down, and back to single.

If You’re Single

1) Do not brag about your date with Ben & Jerry tonight unless you are actually having a threesome with two guys named Ben and Jerry. No one wants to picture you sprawled out on your couch in your sweats shoveling three different flavors of ice cream down your gullet.

2) Ladies I know some of you try to be funny but today is not the day. Do not send out a text to all your attractive guy friends “Hey are you free tonight !? Wanna go see ‘The Vow’?” Alert: your  life is not a romantic comedy and your best friend who is a guy who you may have secret feelings for is not going to happen to wanna go and happen to fall in love with you because you sent that text.

3) Sending yourself a Valentine’s Day gift is already a little much – but an Edible Arrangement is completely inappropriate. Few things are more pathetic than a girl sitting all alone eating carefully arranged, chocolate covered fruit. Plus they’re expensive. You ever wanna see all the single girls on Valentine’s Day? Go to CVS at about 5pm and follow the SALE signs to the Valentine’s sale. Knock yourself out.

- @eablaze